BDSM Contracts vs Marriage, and the Five Collars in Between

Everyone who has seen Fifty Shades knows the scene. Christian Grey slides a contract across the table, a menu of what is and is not allowed, plus an NDA, and his submissive checks the boxes. People think the kink is the contract. It is not. The real thing that contract does is force two people to actually talk.

And that turns out to be the whole story of contracts, all the way up to marriage.

What a BDSM contract is actually for

A BDSM contract reads like a checklist. Restraints, yes or no. This, yes or no. Most people imagine it gets signed on the first night by strangers. It does not, or it should not. You sign something like that a few dates in, once there is already trust, once you have slept together a few times and you can tell you might both be into the same dynamic.

"The real value of a contract is that you actually sit down and talk. There's less gray area." — Marian

That is the entire point. It is an icebreaker for the things people never quite say out loud. Do I like being restrained. Do I even know. The paper is just an excuse to find out together. Master and I never made anyone sign one, by the way, because, as he says:

"A contract is made to be broken. You just need a good lawyer." — Master

The AI in the room

These days people draft everything with AI, so of course the question came up: will ChatGPT write you a BDSM contract? No. The mainstream models are built safety-first and will refuse. You would need an uncensored one. But there is a smarter use. Talk it through with an AI as a neutral third party, a mediator, before anyone puts pen to paper.

Just keep a hand on the wheel. There was a case in Australia where Deloitte handed the government an AI-written report full of fake references and it cost millions. Same rule as a Tesla on autopilot: the machine helps, but you are still driving.

The only contract the law really cares about

Then there is marriage, the one legally binding thing. Taxes change, names change, passports change. The rich get prenups to protect a name and an estate, a brand, a legacy. Master and I do not have one, and the reason matters: we built everything we have from scratch, together, from nothing. There was no fortune to wall off. There was only the thing we made side by side.

The five collars

But long before any wedding certificate, there was a collar. And this is the part that is really my marriage.

The first night, Master put a leather play collar on me, with a leash. I did not run. A few days later I was alone at his place while he ran errands, and I decided to surprise him by doing the dishes naked. And it felt wrong, naked in an empty way. So I went and got the collar and put it on, and suddenly I was home. That was the epiphany, for both of us.

"When you deserve it, you'll get a real collar." — Master

So he started training me, in business, in growth, in becoming myself. And he upgraded the collar every time he was proud of me. Stainless steel first. Then gold, after we started YouTube and I told my parents. Then a titanium and gold stack when we moved to Vancouver. Then black and gold, which came after the pandemic and some genuinely dark years, including losing my friend Pascale. Each collar was a chapter. Each one I earned.

"In the eyes of the law, the collar was nothing. So we got married." — Marian

We made our wedding bands ourselves, and we made the O-ring for my collar out of the very same gold, all three pieces together. On the wedding day, we exchanged the bands, and then the O-ring went onto my collar. The officiant had no idea what she was watching. To us it was the most natural thing in the world.

So that is the difference between a BDSM contract and a marriage. One is a piece of paper that makes you talk. One is a legal document that changes your taxes. And then there is a collar, which is neither, and somehow the most binding of all.

Listen to the Full Episode: Browse all episodes

Read the Book: Why Submissive Women Are Happier

Join the Conversation: Join Happy Submissive