Most of What Men Do Is For Women
Most of What Men Do Is For Women
This Sunday brunch I had a guest. Liam Peters, a Vancouver author I met at a bar at the Parker Hotel, sitting across from me with two copies of his book and a beer he swears is homeopathic. He wrote a memoir called Thinking With the Wrong Head, and the whole premise is that he has a brain and a penis, and they argue, and the penis usually wins.
He even named them. Mickey is the penis. Lars is the brain.
"And Mickey, my penis, like wins 98% of the time. 98. But it is kind of a constant game of chess or like tug of war between my brain and my little guy down there and me." — Liam
I laughed, because it is funny. But the longer he talked, the more I realized he was being completely honest about something most men spend their whole lives dressing up. So I asked him straight: is this how most guys actually experience life? Is your penis directing your whole entire life?
He said yes. A large majority of men think with their penis. The only difference, he said, is that some men just think it, and some men act on it too.
"Most of what men do is for women"
Here is the line that actually stopped me. Later in the conversation, when we were talking about why men put themselves out there so much, Liam said something that I think a lot of men would deny out loud:
"Most of what men do are for women and to get laid, besides masturbation and video games." — Liam
He even added, I don't play video games, but there are a couple of things we do for ourselves. Everything else is for women.
I sat with that. Because if you take a man at his word, he is telling you that his ambition, his showing off, his books, his bar shifts, his whole peacock display, almost all of it is pointed at a woman. That is enormous power sitting on the other side of the table, and most women never even notice they are holding it.
It connects to something he said earlier about being a young guy who got into fights. The fighting when he was younger, the chasing when he was older. He framed it himself as masculinity, the thing he learned to do, the thing that was modeled for him. And underneath all of it is the same engine he is now honest enough to name.
The chaos man and the submissive woman
The whole reason this episode is what it is comes down to a simple contrast. Liam lives in sexual chaos. I live in conscious submission. And we got along great, which surprised some people in the chat.
But here is the thing I keep noticing about a man who runs on Mickey instead of Lars. He is not actually free. He is led. Just by the wrong thing. He told me himself that the brain loses 98 percent of the time. That is not a man in charge of his life. That is a man being driven.
I asked him directly whether he submits to women, in that sense, or whether he is dominant.
"Oh no, yeah, I'm very dominant, yeah." — Liam
And I believe him in the bedroom. But there is a difference between dominance and direction. A man can dominate a room and still be completely steered by his own impulses. That, to me, is the opposite of what I have. I chose to submit. He never chose anything. The chaos chose for him.
What the apps actually do to men
We got into dating apps, and this part says everything. Liam admitted he uses them mostly for validation, because, his words, he is deeply insecure. He matches, the conversation dies out, nothing happens. The app gives you the hit of being wanted without any of the real connection.
And then there is the part where men message what they think is a woman and it turns out to be another guy running the account. Master had a name for it.
"This is the reverse catfish." — Master
A man pretending to be a woman to talk to lonely men. It is sad and it is everywhere, and it is the logical endpoint of a world where men are driven so hard toward female attention that they will accept a fake version of it just to feel something.
I get why Liam likes meeting people in person better. He said it plainly, he likes to meet girls and connect and just hang out and shoot the shit. That is the real thing. The app is the slot machine version of it, and it preys on exactly the part of a man he was honest enough to name out loud.
Why honesty beats the mask
I am not writing this to dunk on men. I am writing it because Liam did something rare. He took the most embarrassing engine inside himself and put it on the table with a name and a percentage. Most men hide it and then act it out anyway, which is worse, because at least Liam knows what is driving the car.
A man who knows he thinks with the wrong head is one honest conversation away from learning to use the other one. That is the whole tug of war. Lars is still in there. He just keeps losing.
And for the women reading this, take the lesson he handed us for free. If most of what a man does is for you, then you are not the prize at the end of his chaos. You are the steering wheel he forgot he handed over. The question is whether you want a man who is run by Mickey, or a man who has learned to let Lars win once in a while.
I know which one I chose. And I wrote a whole book about why.
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