Self-Driving Cars and the Stages of Submission
Self-Driving Cars and the Stages of Submission
My first car was a white Volvo Turbo. A friend of my father's gave it to me — it had been sitting in a driveway so long there was mold inside and out. I paid zero dollars for it, drove it for a summer and a half, and sold it to the scrapyard for $160. Good return on investment.
Did it have cruise control? Maybe. Did I use it? Absolutely not. I didn't trust that car to keep itself alive, let alone regulate its own speed.
Fast forward to this morning. Master and I are in our Tesla, and the car is driving itself. Not metaphorically. The steering wheel turns on its own. The car changes lanes, follows traffic, adjusts speed, brakes at red lights. My hands hover near the wheel — not because I need to, but because that pull is still there. The pull to grab back control.
And I thought: I know this feeling. I've lived this exact progression before. Not in a car — in my relationship.
Here's the thing nobody tells you about self-driving: you don't go from zero to full autonomy overnight. There are stages. And every single one mirrors how trust — and submission — actually works.
Stage 1: Cruise control. The car handles the gas pedal. That's it. You still steer, still brake, still watch everything. It's the smallest possible surrender — letting one thing go. In a relationship, this is the beginning. You let someone pick the restaurant. You stop arguing about which route to take. You hand over one tiny piece of control and see what happens.
Stage 2: Adaptive cruise control. Now the car sees the vehicle in front of you. It slows down when they slow down. It keeps distance. You can set how much space — one to seven on the toggle. You're giving the machine more information, more authority, and it's proving it can handle it. In a relationship, this is where actions start replacing words. He doesn't just say he'll handle the finances — he sits down with you and calls the bank. He shows you his skills. Trust starts compounding.
Stage 3: Supervised self-drive. The car steers. It changes lanes. It navigates. But you keep your hands on the wheel, and if you let go too long, it freaks out and disengages. You're there, present, watching — but you're not doing the work anymore. This is where submission gets real. You're letting someone lead your life, but you haven't fully let go yet. Your foot still hovers over the brake. You're trusting, but you're watching.
Stage 4: Full self-drive. You let go. The car handles everything. You arrive at your destination less stressed, less drained, more present. Master says it every time we take a long highway trip with FSD — he gets there and he's ready to do things. Not exhausted. Not white-knuckled. Just... there.
That's what full submission feels like. Not giving up. Arriving.
I kept my foot on the brake for a long time. Literally and figuratively.
When Master and I first tried supervised self-drive in our Tesla — driving through Seattle, shooting a video of the car doing its thing on the highway — I wanted to grab the wheel every thirty seconds. The car would decide to pass someone and my whole body would tense. But nothing happened. And nothing happened again. And slowly, the tension drained out.
It's the same thing I went through with Master. The first time he made a business decision without consulting me — tension. The first time he told me to change my hair — tension. The first time he said "we're doing this" and I didn't understand why — tension. But nothing bad happened. And nothing bad happened again. And slowly, I stopped hovering over the brake.
People always ask me: "How can you just trust like that? How can you submit?"
You don't "just" anything. You go through stages. You start with cruise control. You move to adaptive. You try supervised. And one day — after the car has proven itself a thousand times, after the person has shown you through actions, not words, that they can handle what you're handing over — you go full self-drive.
And here's what changes: since the car is watching the speed, you can watch other things. You notice the signs. You see the car three lanes over that's driving erratically. You're not less aware — you're aware of different things. Better things. The things a human is actually good at.
Same in submission. When Master handles the structure — the money, the schedule, the direction — I'm not sitting around doing nothing. I'm doing what I'm actually good at. Writing. Creating. Thinking. The things that got buried when I was white-knuckling every aspect of my own life.
Submission isn't subtraction. It's redistribution.
Master said something on the podcast that stuck: "When a girl in a relationship decides to trust, she's going to be more relaxed. She's going to be able to do more things. She's going to be less stressed. Just like the analogy of the car."
And he's right. But here's the part people miss — it goes both ways. The car needs data to drive well. It needs cameras, sensors, miles and miles of experience. A master needs trust to lead well. He needs to know you're not going to grab the wheel every time he makes a turn you didn't expect.
If you don't trust someone with the small things — getting lost on the way to dinner — how can they believe you'll trust them with the big things?
Master gives trust and love right away. Fully. To everyone. And if someone proves unworthy of it, he takes it back. That terrifies most people. But it's the fastest way to the truth. If you hand someone everything upfront, you find out who they really are in days instead of years.
There's a safe word for self-driving cars. It's called the brake pedal. Press it and the whole system disengages. Code red. You're back in control.
Submission has one too. And knowing it's there — knowing you can stop it at any moment — is exactly what makes it possible to let go.
That's why submissive women are happier. Not because they gave up control. Because they chose to hand it over — to someone who earned it, stage by stage, mile by mile — and discovered that the ride is better when you're not gripping the wheel.
Listen to the Full Episode: Can You Submit to a Car? What Self-Driving Taught Me About Submission
Read the Book: Why Submissive Women Are Happier
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