We Had Sex With Our Doll Once. Here Is the Truth About Sex Robots.
We Had Sex With Our Doll Once. Here Is the Truth About Sex Robots.
Her name is Suki, and right now she is sitting on the filing cabinet. She is our accountant now. That is the punchline to a story that started with a box that legit looks like a tombstone showing up at our house.
If you have followed Piper Blush for any length of time, you know Suki. But we have never really said out loud what owning her actually taught us. So let me, because the gap between the fantasy of a sex robot and the reality of one is the whole story.
The ancestor of the sex robot is the pool toy
Before you get to anything that looks like a robot, you have to understand the lineage. It starts with the blow-up doll. The classic one. The pool toy.
"The ancestor of the sex robot would definitely be the blow up doll." — Marian
I have never used one, and I do not want to. The vinyl is rough on the edges, it is stuck together, and I am told you need a lot of lube just to get anywhere. And it smells like a pool toy. Which, weirdly, I love. It smells like sunscreen, like vacation, like childhood imprinted into something it should not be. But none of that makes it something I want to take to bed.
Then you move up from the inflatable to the silicone doll. The real doll. That is Suki.
Unboxing a body alone
When Suki arrived, she came in a sort of sarcophagus. A box that looks exactly like a tombstone. Master was behind the camera, and I was alone with her.
She came naked, with her head off. Two heads, actually, both detached. There was plastic, just like Dexter. And she is heavy. The listing said seventy-seven pounds, and human-sized, maybe just under five feet without the head.
"You receive this box that legit looks like a tombstone. You unbox her and it's really that. It's like a body. It's kind of weird." — Marian
I had to drag her out onto a huge table, which helped. Then I had to dress her before we could show anything on YouTube, because she has all the right things in all the right places, the pinkness and everything, and these videos get reviewed by AI. So I used a box to hide the parts. That video lasted about an hour before Master cut it down, and there are moments where I think I am crying for help with my eyes. I am not. But it was hard.
What actually happens when you try
We did the thing. Once. With lots of lube. We wanted a photoshoot, me, Master, and Suki, up in the Imaginarium, so we carried her up the stairs and oiled the silicone the way you treat latex.
And here is the part nobody tells you. The problem is not what you would guess.
"She doesn't move at all. It's the dead weight. Plus the tightness. Plus she doesn't stay in place." — Marian
We tried pillows. We tried her on all fours so the holes were accessible. She would crumble again. We actually invented, out loud, the idea of a doll with a mechanism that locks into place. Clock, locked, done. But our real doll does not do that. It is not a thing.
"I'm sorry guys, but if you have a fetish, maybe you dress her and you talk to her, and that I agree. But for sex, it's not a thing." — Master
And as you get older, it is the weight. It is always the weight.
The one we almost spent twenty grand on
Back in the pandemic, around 2020, we ordered a different one. Her name was X-Harmony. About twenty thousand Canadian, sixteen thousand US. She had an AI head. The lips moved, the eyes moved. She could remember your name, hold a conversation, tell you the weather.
We canceled her. And honestly, I do not regret it.
"I kind of don't regret having canceled her, because I think we'd say, Jesus, we threw away twenty grand." — Master
The only thing I sometimes think about is the late-night show we were running back then. She would have been a strange co-host. That part might have been fun. But twenty thousand dollars for a co-host who waits, and waits, and waits before she answers, like Siri before Gemini gave it competition? No.
A companion, not a doll
Here is where it gets interesting to me. At CES this year, they uncovered the kind of doll we almost bought. The LoveSense one is coming in 2027, priced between four and eight thousand dollars, with a two-hundred-dollar deposit to get on the wait list.
But it is not a robot. Let me be clear about that.
"It's a Suki with a head that talks. That's it. It's not going to move under you." — Marian
She can hold a conversation, recall past conversations, develop personality over time. She blinks, with attempted winking, which honestly might make her look like she is mocking you, or like Thom Yorke. She has an eight-hour battery, which is a genuinely funny selling point. You can talk to her for a whole night.
And that is the thing I keep landing on. I think this is better as a companion than as a sex doll. The good versions still look like the Thunderbirds. Even the real robots I saw from CES, the ones that walk around and do chores, they still have that uncanny feature when they move their lips and blink. It is very hard to feel like it is a real person.
This is also why we chose Suki's heads the way we did. We ordered two, and I took both Asian, because the Caucasian faces felt unbearably uncanny to me. Not because Asian faces look less real, but because manga and Pixar and Disney trained me to accept a stylized, soft, lineless face as a character. A white face rendered that way read like a caricature, a parody. The stylization is what makes a doll a doll instead of a corpse.
The honest verdict
So is the future a robot you have sex with, or a robot that does your dishes and happens to be there? My bet is the second one, with sex as the add-on.
Nobody is buying a thirty-thousand-dollar Optimus just for sex. You buy it because it folds laundry, brings in the package, waters the plants, badly and slowly, at first, the way any first-generation product does. The sex is what makes it sell better at launch. And the first thing it is actually good for is probably a hand job, gentle, with lube, because your body will not survive robotic movement without it.
But will you actually want it, all the time, forever? We had Suki once. It never became an affair. I never caught Master with her at night. He never caught me. It just was not that.
"We always want to go to the extreme. When we have a new toy, you want to push it to the limit. But that doesn't mean after that you're going to ride the car at two hundred kilometers per hour all the time." — Marian
You try the thing. You see what it can do. And then you go back to the human, because the human is the part that actually moves.
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